Carpet Fitting – Painting – Skirting

I know you are all dying to learn how I got on during my two weeks off. ITCHING. WRITHING IN SITU. Unsurprisingly, I powered through the first week but by the second I was fucked. Do not recommend. I didn’t touch the fireplace, the floorboards in my bedroom still move and creak (I can’t seem to get over this), and the stairs are very noisy, echoey, and old. So old. I interrupted a spider family living in the hollow abyss between the rotten bottom stair riser and the first step which was genuinely upsetting.

Stephen and I spent a good two hours screwing the floorboards down before laying the carpet. We ran around on it, listening for squeaks and creaks. Jumped around. Laughed. Oh, how we laughed. Moments after fitting the carpet I could see, hear, and feel everything moving. Was it there before? Have the screws become loose? Did I just not notice for the 9 months I’ve lived here? Or do I care more because it’s now supposed to be perfect and it is not perfect? Yeah alright fine there is a lesson here, I get it. It’s not even that bad I just want a stable foundation. Yes, I know.

Carpet Fitting – Round 2

• Duct tape the underlay panels together first and then stretch and secure it to the corners and edges (right up to the edge of the gripper)
• Be bold when doing the final carpet cuts (but not too bold), but bold enough (but don’t go too far) but cut enough
• From the middle of the room, shuffle your feet into each corner to help get rid of any bubbles
• Wear knee pads (there were knee pads in the car and I still didn’t wear them and now my knees have fallen off)

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I wish I wasn’t so utterly obsessed with the floorboards so I could actually enjoy the spoils of a fresh carpet and a bedroom that is (almost) finished.

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The length of the curtains will annoy me until the day I die/take them up (it’s not even on the list because it’s just too tedious).

Painting the Stairwell

Putting aside the fact I was so tense at the top of the ladder and platform that the next day I had pulled a muscle in my shoulder and my knuckles couldn’t straighten, the stair and hallway renos have gone relatively well. It took me three days to cut in, undercoat (x2), and final coat (x2). I should have let the final coats dry a little longer really but… Who cares?

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• Don’t scrimp on prep – patch the hole properly, sand it properly, clean up properly.
• Don’t scrimp on paint – matt emulsion from Wilkinson is fine on new or even freshly plastered walls, but for the love of all that is good in the world don’t use it on damaged/old walls. It’s a false economy I PROMISE. I am making it my life’s work to spread this message (aim high, Vic).
• Take your masking tape off while the paint is still wet.
• Get good rollers and paint brushes to preserve your own mental health.
• The colour of each wall looks different depending on the level of light – get over it.

Stairs and Landing

I have lost the will to finish this job. I can’t decide if I want to carpet it, lay a runner down the steps, design an abstract geometric pattern for the risers, or set fire to everything. There are countless holes and nails to contend with (most of which I can’t get out), the wood is splintering, and there’s only so much chalk paint can hide. I have to recalibrate and return to this job when I am less aggro.

Removing grippers is up there with one of the worst jobs. Simultaneously tedious and terrifying. Many swears.

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TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH THE STAIRS. Anyway.

• WD40 can be used to dissolve adhesive.
• Countersunk screws cannot be removed, I don’t care what you say, they and you can fuck off.
• I don’t think I understand how stairs work.

Skirting

I think what happened, right, is that I ordered a certain style of skirting board but was sent a different style. When I tried to secure them what I thought was the right way around (which was evidently the wrong way around) they were a fucking DISASTER.

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I eyeballed the cut for the architrave and used a handsaw. It went as expected.

I turned the skirting around and tried again. Much better. Thank fuck. I used 40mm lost head nails (these countersink so you can fill them and paint over). The nails essentially ripped the skim off the walls (cool!), but I maintain there is nothing a bit of decorator’s caulk and paint can’t fix. Top tip, use mitre cuts (obviously), and don’t assume the angles of anything. I didn’t use mitre cuts and I assumed everything was flat and would look fine. But hey, first time using wood filler and I am very impressed with it and myself.

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Closing Statement

I am tired. I spent the final third of my leave drinking and eating which was ostensibly wonderful, but graft and poison take their toll. I don’t even have anything interesting or poignant to say except that I love autumn. Autumn rules and soon it will be Christmas which means I can add fairy lights and holly to the list of things I can hide wall-holes with.

I feel bored and I feel boring. Thank you for listening. Please take a bin bag with you on the way out.

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